Mark 9:20-29
.....So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?” “From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. “You deaf and mute spirit,” he said, “I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.” The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, “He’s dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up. After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” He replied, “This kind can come out only by prayer.”
This morning I wondered to myself, "Do you really believe in God?".
Interesting question for a Christian, I know. But I mean, do I really? And if I do, what should my life look like?
So I don't doubt for a second that God exists, I don't doubt that what the Bible says is true or that Jesus died and was resurrected, the Holy Spirit is real, all the basic truths of Christianity. What prompted the question was the non-existence of faith on my part that God can make a way out of "no way". I've been battling with the desire to move from the East Coast to the West Coast and although it is quite a big move I'm still crazy enough to consider it all for "love" (I'll have to share that story later so stay tuned). My best friend will attest to the fact that I'm a hopeFUL romantic but my hope does die very quickly, usually without reason. As I've been plotting and planning my West Coast adventure it seems that God is determined to either:
1. confuse me or
2. bless me no matter what I choose.
The problem with both of those determinations from God is that:
1. I'm already always confused and
2. I hate options.
The good thing is that I can at least find solace in the fact that either way God has a plan for my life... right? That sounds well and great but do I really believe that? It's humbling to admit, but I don't. I, the woman who is constantly pushing people towards their dreams and encouraging FEARLESS FAITH, referencing every single scripture I can muster to remember with my poor memory retention on the subject of living radical lives so that God is glorified. Yup, me. I have no faith.
In the past 10 years of my life as a Christian I've become an expert survivor. I've walked into crumbling buildings (analogously), come out with bruises and scars but have still managed to keep right on trekking despite the injuries. I am beginning to think that I thrive in unfortunate circumstances. Surviving doesn't require much faith, its only pre-requisite is determination. Determination, well mine anyway, comes from my fighting spirit, the one I was endowed with from birth, it seems. My conversion into Christianity had everything to do with my determination to live a better life than the one I had before. My restoration to God was for similar reasons because when I left God between the ages of 18 and 20, my life was far worse than it was before I ever found God and so I was determined to get out of the miry pit I'd dug for myself and continue to walk the walk that I was called to in the first place. Did I actually believe that God would change my life? I think I knew that following Christ meant protection from sin and therefore life is better anyway.. In the most rational sense, of course life in Christ is better. It's very hard to live the life you want to live when ALL of your body seems to want to do the complete opposite (Romans 7:14-25). But I digress...
So basically this was my thought process this morning:
.....I miss my boyfriend
..... Man, it'd be so awesome to live on the same coast
..... Wait! I just got two job offers in Boston but I want to live in California and he just got a job offer in California
..... God, what are you doing???
..... Okay, so I could step out on *faith* and decline both offers and continue to look for gigs in Cali
.....Why in the world would you decline a sure thing for a pool of uncertainty in the shape of the Bay Area???
..... God, you can do anything
..... God, will you do it for me?
..... What right do I have to ask God for anything??
..... God, I'm sorry for my boldness
..... But you said I should ask for anything.. so here I am asking
..... Ughhh the timing stinks! I already have a home in Cali with a roommate situation that would be PERFECT for my daughter and I! How could you bless me with a home in Cali and a job in Boston, this doesn't make any sense!!!
..... Sorry for my boldness again.
..... I should probably pray more but I feel so emotionally exhausted
..... I don't want to pray about it, I'm just going to take one of these jobs
..... hmmm, there are a few companies on the West Coast that HAVE reached out to me but I've declined a talk with all but two of them
..... Oh boy this must be my fault!
..... I'm so sorry God, please forgive me! It's all my fault (tear, sob)
..... God can do anything... right?
..... Are you even listening to me God?
..... Do you really believe in God anyway?
Mildly scattered.. okay VERY scattered but the train of thoughts were at least all going to the same destination. I feel like what I want more than being able to see my boyfriend anytime I want, more than I want steady income, more than I want close friendships, more than I want an answer from God even is to be able to live with my daughter and raise her the way every mom desires to do. What could achieve that for me would be to just move my but over to the awesome house in San Leandro and trust that God will provide a way for me to be able to afford more than just rent, groceries and gas. What's tricky for me is that I've been extended two job offers here on the EC but even with those offers I'll still have my relationship looming over my head, my daughter with my mom (another long story), and a stressful living situation to contend with everyday.
Gosh, if I could only trust God when I'm NOT in crisis. I feel TOO blessed, too loved even I only need to respond in faith and I just can't. I don't know what to do when God is giving me what I want. I never get what I want. I'm pretty cool with scraps and being disregarded. I rarely pray for the things I "want". It seems so forbidden--yet only in my mind. So far this year however, God is just throwing everything I've ever secretly desired in my direction and it feels like rocks instead of perfectly white feathers of joy. I'm free of a horrific marriage (poor decision on my part), I've restored broken friendships, I'm healthier (emotionally) than I have been ever in my life, I'm dating an awesome guy who I always desired even without ever formally admitting it to myself, my child is brilliant and joyful and (finally) calmer, I'm back in school and although I'm struggling to bounce back into student mode, I'm at a great institution and one class closer to my goals, I'm fed and warm.... and now I have my entire life ahead of me but I'm doubting left and right even with all of this proof that God does want to give me anything I want. To God, the things we get in this lifetime, all of the peripheral stuff (as in things that don't necessarily get us to heaven) are "no biggie", the extra 5 bucks I find in my wallet when I'm longing for a snow cone at the Summer carnival, the courtesy of a neighbor, the comfort of a hug, the encouragement of the best friend ever known to woman (Mae), we could otherwise live these little gifts but God gives it to us, "just because".. Literally.. just because he loves us (Matt 7:11).. He loves me. I have historical evidence of that.
If I could just get out of survival mode and take a step back to consider that I don't need to do any of the thinking or planning or doing by myself, I think the path to Cali would be a little clearer. I just need to believe.
I'd better get to praying because like the passage above, I think this is the type to only come out by prayer.
God, please help me overcome my unbelief.... pretty please?
